Friday, October 13, 2006

Dentist, Root Canal And Me - Part 2

I posted a site for info on root canals, but didn't bother to go through it myself. Turns out, one sitting is not all it takes for root canal. It takes 3-4 per tooth! The first time around, they gave me anaesthetics, so by the time they died out, all pain had subsided and I didn't feel a thing. But yesterday... Oh boy! I didn't cry, I didn't scream, but I could've scratched someone's eyes out. I just clenched my fists and prayed that my mum comes and covers my ears. It's a childhood thing, but one that's lived on. I am more scared of noises than the actual scene, covering my ears and screaming helps to decrease the pain (or maybe covering the ears came from the fact that my screams are pretty horrific), I don't know. I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to act like a girl! (OK, OK, act too much like a girl!) Then I'd gloat about it, feeling so proud, telling others that my procedure was painless because everyone I know who has ever had it done, complained about the horrifically unbearable pain. Heh, I should stop believing the "I am a special little girl" bit. :P Saturday is going to be another painful day. Enough to make me consider getting the other one extracted!

A friend asked me if I cried and I told him that I didn't. I told him that I am a strong girl and I don't cry over everything. Heh, wrong. He has seen me cry over trivial things and seen me bear the most difficult ones. It's crazy, actually. Small things make me want to cry while big things make me want to "be strong". It's the same thing as how I find difficult subjects (difficult for most) easy and the easiest subjects, difficult. Maybe the reason is that I give too much importance, either to little things or big things, I can't decide which right now. But it's the importance factor, I think. I really don't know.

Sometimes a small thing like missing a pen can make want to cry and throw things about. I have a lot of "nakhras", but I am not crazy. Usually when people see me crying over small things, it's not actually the thing that's making me cry. More like snapping, when pent-up emotions reach the top of my emotional pitcher.

I cry when my anger reaches its peak because when I am the most angry is when I am also the most helpless. Helpless because I know I can't break stuff nor do something about the situation. I am not very rational when I am angry. Crying while angry is actually a good thing because it kinda calms me down. Or else, may God help you.

I am quite short tempered. I get angered easily, but I also calm down quickly. It's like when I am angry, I'll show it, get it out and it get over with. It's the exact opposite when I am sad or hurt. I don't know which is more dangerous.

A month or so ago, I came up with something called the "Approach". The main idea behind it is that I am not supposed to open up, speak my mind or be blunt in most situations where I would normally do so, in front of people who:
1) don't know me, or
2) were ever so judgemental,
basically saving myself the load of trouble that "speaking my mind" brought me. But then I took it to another level. I used the "Approach" on friends too and though I didn't really miss out on much, I hurt plenty of my good friends on the way, friends who know what kind of a person I am and who truly care about me. Though I may not always open up, I would like to say to all of my friends, "Thank you so much" and "I am sorry for being selfish". I have been more open recently and it seems to be going fine, so I'll stick with it for a while and see how things go.

This blog post was supposed to start from my dentist's appointment and end on how I am strong, yet not so much, but I rambled and got a little off. Anything to avoid studies, I guess!

(Today while writing the date on my exam paper, I noticed it's "Friday, the 13th". If I was superstitious, I could've blogged about that. I am not. :P Oh, but black cats are wicked, broken mirrors bring bad luck and walking under a ladder can make you fall in the gutter :P *rolls eyes*)


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