Sunday, April 29, 2007

Inner Monologue

Tuned-in to Channel Sanapple

"Is it a phase?"
I have been asked that so many times on so many occasions.

"Ohhh, photography? Is it a PHASE?"
"Ohhh, so you're cooking these days. Is it a PHASE?"
"Ohhh, so you've been reading a lot lately. Is it a PHASE?"
"Ohhh, so you're feeling down. MUST be a PHASE!"

The answer? Hmm...probably

Sudden impulse, sudden wish for doing something, sudden mood changes - all about "just a phase". For the longest time, Sabz and I have had these heart-to-heart conversations, going from topic to topic, trying to explain the unexplainable, trying to find the reasons behind the things we do or don't, why we have these extreme ups and extreme downs, why for no reason at all we feel high...

The answer: Just a PHASE.

After-thought: It'll pass...

Does it? Usually does.

Who doesn't need a break from a monotonous routine? Who wouldn't want to spend time doing something constructive, something creative, something they absolutely love? A lazy bum like me, that's who.

Is there a "passion" in life? Some kind of pursuit? Something you're chasing after? Some kind of goal? For me, not really.

Sad? Very! When's the time to change? Right about now. Want to take life as it comes or make it what you wish it to be? I'm wishing for latter, but working at the former.

My point? It sucks.

The solution that comes to mind? Find a passion, find a reason, a purpose, fire - anything! CHANGE!

Do I welcome a change?

Usually, I am quite adaptive to my surroundings. (Greatest advantage of spending 20 years in an army environment.)

But do I welcome it?
"It depends...Sometimes….”

Does it take time? Not really.

What if you don't want that particular change? Uh-oh.

Sometimes I want change. I want something that can make me go "oooh" or something that'll excite me! I love my friends, past and present, but I want to meet new people. Change my circle, explore new ones. I need a change of place too. That change is, I think, due to the constant movement associated with my dad being in the army. So I guess wanting that kind of change has become a part of me. I still don’t want to go back to that life - I'm not really equipped for it. We shifted from Malir to Defence. The shift - the moving - the change - I like. But this is on rent, so we want to get a house of our own. That'll be something new - more shifting - another change. It's something that's waiting for me in next 2 or 3 years - I like. Changing feelings? They're unexpected, but controllable? Maybe, but sometimes you just need to let nature take its course. Some things should be just left to the decision of fate. *read* - ’some’ things – ’few’ things!

Everyone's fate has been decided - agreed, but nowhere does it say that you have to sit in wait for fate to play its next move. Be in charge! Give it your full. If it still doesn't pan out, then maybe it's "not meant to be". Let go...

I don't let go of things. I don't rest until the matter is resolved. I don't rest until my questions have been answered, until the curiosity has been satisfied. Do I make a fool out of myself in the process? You have no idea! Is it a phase?

Let's define 'phase'. Something temporary? Something that'll pass? Something you won't give much importance to after its particular time is over. How long is the time? One week? Two? A month? A year? That is where the trouble starts. How long are you willing to let it be just a phase? If it's been there with you for as long as you can remember, yet from day 1 you've been calling it a phase that'll eventually pass, would it really? Is it really just a phase then? Or has it just become a part of me?

The answer? Who knows?

My point? Take control. Decide. Implement.

How much control? “Miana Rawi” Middle way! Always take the middle way. What's the good of being a control freak? What's the fun when you can control every breath you take and the reason why you're taking it? Why control emotions to so much extent that they just become a feeling and nothing more? I think anyone can come up with million reasons for why one SHOULD have control, so no point going there.

What's the fine line that divides assertive from dictatorial? Between confidence and arrogance? Between boldness and bluntness? Between straightforward and brutal?Would I go to the extent of imposing my will on someone else?

Would I like to be dictated by someone else? No.
Would I still do it? Probably.

Over confidence – My weakness and my strength. When I am over confident about something, I can actually see it happen. And once I can see something happen, feel it , I can make it a reality. On the other hand, it sometimes just kills me, I leave so many preparations that I would’ve done otherwise, overlook so many key points, and just be so sure of myself that I create a disaster. And the fact that this happens keeps me from being arrogant.. Because I know that though it can help me in making things happen, it can very well also jeopardize the situation too. So in a weird way, dangling between the two extremes, I have found a small yet significant – middle way.

"Wise is he who learns from the follies of others" The concept is not lost on me, yet my actions show otherwise.

Would putting your hand in fire burn?
Have you ever been burnt?
Will you still touch it?
But it burns...!
I know but...ow! Yup, they've been right all along.

Stupidity on my part? More than you know. Can I change it? I guess not. It's too deep-rooted now.

Do I plan all my moves? No. Do I think about them? To the extent of over-thinking. Does it help? Usually never. I do the thinking for other people involved as well. About how will they perceive the thing, how will they react. Which leads me to assume a lot of stuff if it’s someone whose actions I can’t predict. Why do I need to think for others? Because people tend to keep things to themselves, and I hate not being prepared…

Why do I call my life monotonous? Do I go out? Yes. Do stuff outside house? Yes. Indulge myself in interesting things? Sometimes. I guess I characterize life to how it is at home because life in university is quite eventful. What have I done to change life at home? Nothing as such, but I have started to take up some projects, some things I like doing, maybe even love. Things that will require creativity, that will "keep me busy". Is it just another phase? Probably. "I get bored easily."

Yup, it all comes back to the point - Change.

However, I had this safety net. Change all that I might, I knew it'd stay there. By the end of the day, even on and off during the day - I'd come to it to feel comfortable, peaceful. I knew it, I loved it. It felt secure, dependable, constant, something that'll be there forever - all gone now. The aftermath? Chaos.

My optimistic approach to chaos? It's a CHANGE - a reason to start working, start kicking, put life back in order - taking control yet again. Do I feel any excitement? Any anxiety? There may be a mixture of the two.

On the other hand, the approach that should be avoided: "thun thun" - whining about it.

Traveling - I love traveling. Even though I have had very few opportunities to do so in the last five years, I know it's something I'll never pass on. Going somewhere new, exploring new things, finding new people always gives a sense of "Wow, eee" to me! I love it, even the stress of it.

Photography - definitely a phase, but I love it, and I want it to be one of those phases that go on forever and ever. Make it a part of me. I want to explore options. Am I good at it? Amateurish so far. But I have hope. I think I have the knack for it. Who knows? If telecom doesn’t pan out... :P

Telecom - what a rut. Yet every other person still tends to revert to it in the end – be it an electrical, mechanical or even a CIVIL engineer! Boon! Pbhhht! But I would still want to continue with it - technical or managerial, either way’s good. Then again, I am majoring in Telecommunications, so what else can be expected of me? (Plenty of things that I wouldn't discuss here :P)

I expect a lot from people, especially those who mean a lot to me. It's totally unintentional, but it's there. I have tried to change it a lot, but haven't been successful as yet. Expectations only lead to disappointments. Then again, it depends what kind of expectations you have - positive or negative. Sabz and I talked about that a lot too. Since positive expectations always led us to disappointments and since we couldn't STOP expecting, we decided we'd keep negative expectations instead. "Oh, this thing can never happen", "Oh, she'd never do this for me". It worked - when the thing didn't turn out the way we wanted it, we'd just say "Oh, we knew it'd happen." But in the long run, has it made me very…cynical?

I have always had this very bad habit of caring too much about what people think. I can't bear to imagine that I might be in someone's bad books, but then again I do know that I can't possibly impress the entire world population. That is never the goal. The goal is to either be in good books or in no book at all for the people who are around me. I will buy a present for someone I don't even LIKE, just so that he/she doesn't hold a negative image of me. Ugh, I hate this need for always having everyone's approval. Yet some parts of me contradict that entire behavior. I'll shout , I'll scream, I'll do all those things that people won't expect a normal girl to do - being extremely bold basically, without caring what people think of me…That is, as long as they keep their opinions to themselves. It's once they start spreading them that I start caring about what they think. It's super crazy I know. Haven't been able to find the balance between the two.

I am never worried about voicing my true opinions, though I do try to put myself in other people's shoes, so that I know how I'd feel if someone says something to me in front of others. But not too often, and I guess I tend to hurt a lot of people in the process of being blunt. So now if someone asks me what I think, I'll tell them without hesitating and will be as straightforward as possible. If they don't, I'll just keep my opinions to myself. Either don't say anything or say the truth. There's nothing worse than being a two faced person.

Time for a little *sar phooling*. I care for people a lot too! I let them unload their worries on me, whenever they want. I'll be their confidante, be their friend, whenever they need me to be. I might not even like the person, but the fact that they respected me enough to open up to me, gives me a reason enough to want to help them. I like the feeling that somebody can depend on me to be there for them whenever they need me to be. Though my frequent mood swings nowadays have created a big hurdle in that, I still try my level best to be a good friend. If I think I can make a difference in somebody's life, however little it maybe, I will go all out. Close friends say that I sometimes make other people's troubles my own. I do, sometimes, I guess. It irritates me as well, but as long as its something I like to do for my own sake too if not just theirs, I'll do it.
My point? This is how I am and I like it.

The End


    Moti! This is more like it!

    Anonymous Anonymous - 4/30/2007 10:38 PM  

    Heh, you changed the channel. :P

    Anonymous Anonymous - 5/01/2007 1:12 AM  

    Maybe Worldcall took over the T.V. network, hence the bad quality and static!

    Anonymous Anonymous - 5/01/2007 5:17 AM  

    You know, that last comment could be taken as both negative and positive :P

    Positive: - After i ended, they took over and spoiled the network...

    Negative - or they took over before I started , and hence u r basically insulting my post :P

    You know wheechh waaan I'll choose :P

    Blogger Sanapple - 5/01/2007 6:25 AM  

    Probably, yeah :P

    Anonymous Anonymous - 5/01/2007 6:25 AM  

    im bored

    is it just a phase?

    Blogger 3rd avenue - 5/10/2007 11:03 AM  

    :O Bored by reading my post? Definitley a phase!! Read ut two more times, it'll grow on to u :P

    Bored generally? It depends, its not a phase for me, i almost always get bored easily...

    MAYbe u need somethign better to do... :P

    Blogger Sanapple - 5/10/2007 5:42 PM  

    Both of you need something better to do. I can help! :P

    Blogger Unknown - 5/11/2007 5:41 PM  

    when is the "abridged" version coming out??


    ... huh ??

    Anonymous Anonymous - 5/25/2007 5:21 PM  

    No idea what you're talking about...

    Blogger Sanapple - 5/25/2007 8:18 PM  

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